


Accepting The Sadness

by DanSpeight



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aunt May isn’t around much, Avengers - Freeform, Depression, Gender Dysphoria, Irondad, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Lonely kid, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parent Tony Stark, Physical Abuse, Tony Being Tony, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, cat owner - Freeform, peter likes cats, wholesome bros being bros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 16:52:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14958425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanSpeight/pseuds/DanSpeight
Summary: Young Peter is already going through a lot of things (like daddy issues and dysphoria) when a mutated spider comes along and turns his whole life around in another 360 spin.





	1. high high hopes

**Author's Note:**

> I’m trans myself so I have first hand experience. All of the trans stuff will be things I’ve dealt with during my transition (but altered obviously). Being transgender is not a trend, it’s absolutely horrible so please don’t think it’s cute or whatever.

12:45, Monday

Peter stormed through the halls, where the hell was Ned was all that rushed through the young boys brain. He paced the floors looking frantically, fumbling with his hands in his pockets. He was sweating bullets at this point. It was nerve wracking what he was about to say but he needed to get it over and done with.  
He turned the corner and saw Ned shutting his locker. Peter ran towards him, huffing and panting.  
"Someone's out of breathe," Ned closed his locker and put his books in his bag. "What's up with you Bee?" That was Ned's nickname for Peter. Actually I should say Phoebe because, well, that's what Ned knew the boy as and this is exactly what Peter wanted to talk about. Peter furrowed his brows at the nickname. He thought the name was cute as hell but he didn't feel comfortable when it was used on him.  
“Uhh, I need to talk to you about something important but can we walk and talk? I missed breakfast and I feel like my stomach is beginning to eat itself.” Peter huffed and gave Ned a big smile, the sort of smile you give when you’re about to drop a huge bomb of information and you’re giving them a heads up and an apology. You know, that kind of smile?  
Ned followed Peter into the lunch hall. Peter always thought Ned was an amazing friend and the thought of losing him shattered his heart into a million pieces. He didn’t know how he was going to take the news. Peter would tell Ned everything he wanted to know, he would try to help him understand and he would hope to god he would accept him.  
“I’m just going to give it to you straight Ned, I’m transgender.” Peter paused waiting for a reaction but got nothing. “I’ve known since I was ten so I know it’s not a phase. I can’t stand my body and it’s not just a matter of self love and acceptance. My brain thinks I’m a boy but my body says the opposite thing. Do you understand? Maybe even just a little bit?” Peter looked down at his shoes in shame. He wished he didn’t feel this way but there’s nothing he could do about it. If he were to ignore it he would be miserable.  
“Phoebe, I don’t quite get it. I want to, I want to understand but I don’t get how you can’t just be comfortable in your own skin.” Ned truly wanted to try but he really didn’t get the situation and Peter saw that. Peter did say he would do anything to make his friend understand. He stood there for a brief second trying to think of an explanation.  
“Ned that’s okay. If you don’t understand that’s completely fine. Here, let me try to explain. Let’s say you’re a guy named... Um. Ben! Okay? So, Ben is a human boy. You with me?” Peter looked at Ned and his friend smiled at him.  
“Yes Bee, I’m with you so far.”  
“Ben is trapped in, I don’t know. Give me an animal.” Peter laughed.  
“A bear! Wait does that mean a bear ate Ben?” Ned looked confused and horrified at the fact that Ben would be eaten by a bear.  
“No no no, Ben is trapped in a bear costume!” Ned sighed with relief and gave Peter a thumbs up, “Okay back to serious business. Ben is trapped in a bear costume okay? No one knows Ben is a human boy but Ben tries everything to convince them he’s human. No one believes him obviously, he’s a bear for fucks sake, I mean how the hell could a bear think it’s a boy? But Ben knows that no matter what everyone else says he knows he’s not a bear. He knows that he’s a boy. Ben has tried to accept that he’ll be a bear forever but that lead him into a deep deep depression. He needed to find a way to rip the suit off.” Peter was once again out of breath. He looked up to Ned with hope in his eyes. He really wanted Ned to get him.  
“So you’re Ben and your body is the bear costume?” Ned still looked a little confused and Peter was ready to cry.  
“Yeah Ned, that’s it.” A single tear fell down Peters face.  
“I’m so so sorry. I wish you had told me sooner B- wait a second, hold your horses. If you’re a boy you can’t be named Phoebe. What are you going to do about that?”  
“Oh yeah! I almost forgot and that’s kind of really important. Please don’t judge me, I’ve always liked this name even though it sounds like a grandpa name.”  
“Alrighty Parker, spill the beans.” Ned slapped Peters shoulder.  
“It’s Peter. Yeah I know it sucks, I’m sorry. I just a-“ Ned immediately cut Peter off.  
“Peter I like it. Pete, Petey, P-dawg. Yep okay it’s settled your new nickname is P-dawg. Ned laughed and Peter laughed with him. It went so much better than he thought it would.


	2. heavy breathing and contemplation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a brief summary of what happened before Peter got to school on Monday.  
> It’s incredibly short but I don’t have a lot of time on my hands so I do apologise.

08:30, Monday 

“Peter please, I understand you’re going through some stuff but you can’t put this off forever. You’re going to need to do this eventually, the longer you wait the harder it will get.” Peter knew Aunt May meant well but he was not feeling it at all today. He was up all night panicking and overthinking. Peter looked over May’s shoulder and saw him. The dreaded boyfriend.  
“I’m telling you May, she’s not ready.” Finn whispered to May. Peter hated him. Sure he was Aunt May’s boyfriend and he should respect that but he was a complete dickhead.  
“I am ready. Just because I’m nervous doesn’t mean I’m not ready...” Peters energy was drained, he wasn’t willing to fight. If Finn said anything else Peter would probably cry. He looked at his Aunt for reassurance but she didn’t say a word.  
“See Phoebe? May agrees with me. You shouldn’t come out. Wait until you’re eighteen then you can do anything you like but for now stay as you are. A girl. We’re doing this for you. You’re too young to make your own decisions, what if you change your mind?” Finn pulled May into a hug and glared at Peter. Peter burst into tears.  
“B-but it’s not like I’m doing any medical procedures! I can turn back anytime if I’m not ready but I’m telling you now I am.” Peter blubbered out the words, he had no clue if they could decipher what he said.  
“Be quiet Phoebe, you’re not ready and that’s it.” Finn was stern. May was about to speak when he took her hand and left the room. “Let’s leave her be. She needs to process this. Let her calm down and I’ll take her into school before lunch.”  
May gave Peter an apologetic look and closed the door gently. Peter just sat there and sobbed.  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Peter laid his head on his pillow, pulled his duvet up close and cried himself to sleep.  
Around three hours passed and Peter woke up. His face was red and sticky from all of the tears he had cried. He ruffled his hair and got out of bed, grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the bathroom. He hated showers but he really needed one. Having to see what he actually had and didn’t have was hell. He just wished he could disappear.  
During his shower all Peter though about was coming out. He was going to do it regardless of what Finn said. When he went in at lunch he was going to come out to Ned, his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have already started working on the next chapter. It will be a lot longer that the last two, I just didn’t know how to start things off.  
> Once again please leave a comment if you have any critiques or suggestions.


	3. diner food and bad moods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven’t updated this. I don’t have a lot of time on my hands and I’ve been out with my friends a lot recently.

The bell chimed as Ned and Peter walked through the doors of the diner. Such a small place but so many people. Ned seemed to be a regular as he knew everyone’s name. Peter followed behind as Ned walked towards a booth. The boys sat down and each flicked through the menu.  
“Cherry pie. Oh my god, yes please.” Peter swooned at the menu. He reached into his pockets, looking for his wallet but he couldn’t find it. He began to panic. It wasn’t fair on Ned, he couldn’t just make him pay.  
“Know what you want yet, Pete?” Ned looked at Peter and saw he was panicking. Peter was fumbling through his pockets looking for something, presumably his wallet. “Peter I was going to pay anyways. Don’t worry about your wallet I’m sure you left it at my house.” Ned raised his hand to call over a waitress.  
“Thanks dude. I’ll pay you back okay?” Ned nodded to Peter as the waitress approached the table.  
“Hiya Guys, welcome to Moondance! What would you like to order today?” The waitress gave the boys a warm smile and removed the cap from her pen. Peter took a glance at her name tag. Heidi. Peter replayed the name over and over in his head, he liked the sound of that. Heidi. It was sweet. He looked briefly at the menu, remembering his order.  
“I’ll have a slice of your cherry pie and a chocolate shake please.”  
“Sorry love, could you speak up a little? I didn’t hear you there.” Peters face flushed red and he cleared his throat.  
“Cherry pie and a chocolate shake please.” He said louder, but not overdoing it. He wasn’t very good in social situations and pretty people tended to make him even worse than he already was.  
“Thank you, love.” The waitress beamed at Peter, making him flush red again. She looked over to Ned.  
“Hiya Ned, what would you like today? The usual?” Ned scratched his forehead and sighed.  
“I’m afraid I’m not gonna go with the usual today, Peters order sounds way too good to pass up. Just double his.” Ned chuckled and smiled at Heidi. The pretty lady smiled back.  
“Alrighty, thanks boys. Your orders should be here soon.” Heidi gave a subtle wave and walked away.  
“So Pete, you got the hots for the waitress?” Ned nudged his shoulder and smirked.  
“Dude, no. Shut up.” Peter pushed Ned’s hand away and and immediately turned his gaze to the window trying to cover up the fact that he did have the hots for the waitress.  
“Man, I don’t blame you. Have you seen her face. She’s gorgeous and she’s a really lovely person.” Ned gushed about Heidi, he seemed to really like her. But it didn’t seem like he had a crush on her, more like he was just admiring her. Ned spoke very highly of Heidi, Peter thought that was quite adorable.  
Heidi came back with their orders, two slices of cherry pie and two chocolate milkshakes. The boys say up in their seats, eager to dig in. Heidi placed the plates and glasses in front of them.  
“Here you are. Enjoy your pie guys!” The waitress blew Peter a kiss and walked away.  
“Holy mother of God, dude. Oh m- what the hell? She ju- oh my god...” Peter was all over the place, so flustered he was king of making a scene. Heidi noticed and giggled a little. Ned was choking on his own laugh.  
“Dude! Woah, you’re so red right now. I can’t even man, this is too fu-“ Ned cut himself off with a burst of laughter.  
“Ned, stop!” Dragging the word stop Peter was looking around him and sinking into his hoodie as the other customers eyes fell on him. He knew the situation was pretty funny but he was embarrassed as hell. As Ned’s laughing died down the other people in the diner returned to their own meals, leaving Peter to his cherry pie. They both sat and ate, Ned occasionally kicked Peters leg under the table and wiggled his eyebrows at him resulting in a few splutters from Pete. Once the boys finished their food and payed they headed home.  
—  
“Thanks so much for today man, you’ve been so much help. Especially with the trans thing. I’m so thankful to have you as a friend.” Peters eyes started to swell. “I mean, the Heidi thing was humiliating and you’re a dick but at least she thought I was a guy.” Peter laughed it off and wiped the forming tears from his face.  
“Peter, you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever known and of course she thought you were a guy, you pass so well! Hell, you look like more of a man than I do.” Ned patted his friends shoulder. “Hey Pete? Are you into guys and girls? One minute you’re like, ‘omg hot dude,’ next you’re like ‘Holy crap Heidi.’ That makes you bisexual right?”  
“Mhm. I have a strong preference for guys though. I only get crushes on girls every so often.” Peter kicked a pebble and it skimmed across the ground. “You’re going to that science trip tomorrow right?” Peter looked towards his friend and raised his eyebrows.  
“Oh yeah! That thing.” The boys turned a corner and started walking down a street of apartments and houses. “Yep I’m going, my dad would kill me if I didn’t.”  
“Okay then, I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t forget lunch money!” Peter opened the gate to his front garden, closing it behind him as he walked to the door. “See ya Ned.” Peter waved and stepped inside the house.  
—  
“The hell have you been kid?” Finn cut him off at the kitchen. “Your Aunt May has been worried sick, get to your room.” Peter swore he could hear him muttering faggot underneath his breathe. “Wait! Remember to feed that fucking cat of yours too.” Finn slapped Peter on the back of the head, hard. Peter winced at the pain but didn’t complain, he didn’t want another slap. He crawled back down the stairs and staggered into the kitchen.  
“Socks, where are you baby?” He turned on the outdoor light. “Baby boy where are you at?” Peter clicked his fingers as he called out his cats name. He love his boy, he really did. He gave him motivation to get up in the mornings. Someone relied on Peter and that’s what he needed. He needed a purpose.  
“Socky there you are!” The cat hobbled over to Peter. The poor thing only had three plegs, but he managed. Socks was strong both physically and mentally considering he lost a limb to a car. More surprising, Finn was the one driving. Finn terrified the poor boys, they both hated him with a passion.  
Peter carried the cat inside and set him on the floor. He closed the door and locked it and pulled the handle to make sure it was securely locked. He pulled again, and again. Peter got the cat food out of the cupboard and poured some in Socks’ bowl. He put the food back where it belonged and checked the door again. He pulled the handle repeatedly wanting to make sure it was actually locked. He would do this every night. He would make sure the back door was locked and bolted. If he didn’t, there would be consequences.  
—  
“Phoebe get down here” Finn yelled from the top of his lungs and banged the ceiling that was right under Peters room. “Hurry up you faggot!” He banged the ceiling harder this time but as he did that Peter was already half way down the stairs.  
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Peter heaved as he ran to the kitchen. “What is it?”  
“Get over here now!” Finn growled at him, eyebrows furrowed and fists clenched. “You didn’t lock the fucking door last night!” He grabbed Peter by the collar of his shirt and dragged him to the door.  
“I- I’m sorry, I thought I had locked it properly.” Finn pushed Peters face into frame.  
“That’s not fucking good enough, is it tranny? What if someone broke in and took all of my stuff, your Aunt May would hate you then.” Finn chuckled and put even more pressure on Peters head.  
“Stop! You’re hurting me, please. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”  
“Sorry isn’t going to stop someone from breaking in faggot. You do this again and I’ll kill that cat of yours, you hear me?” Finn released Peters head and let him go. When Peters back was turned he kicked him in the back of the knee, causing the young boy to collapse. Finn grunted and pushed past Peter. The boy sobbed as Finn walked out of the kitchen and headed to his room.  
—  
Peter pulled the door handle once again before deciding it was locked. He wasn’t going to let anything happen to Socks. What Finn said to him some months ago still haunted the boy to this day. Peter picked up his cat and carried him upstairs to his bedroom. He closed the door and changed into is pjs. Fluffy, red Iron man onesie. Don’t ask him questions, it’s a comfortable onesie. He turned off the light and clambered into bed. “Goodnight baby, I love you with all of my heart.” Peter stoked his cats head and closed his eyes. A soft purr came from Socks as they both fell asleep.


	4. Stark tower visit

Peter woke up to Socks snoring, not purring, full on snoring. He loved his cat but damn was he annoying. Peter lifted the cat off of his chest and sat him on the pillow beside him. Peter rolled over and checked the time on his phone. 06:43. He was about to settle down and sleep again for another fifteen minutes until he realised there was no point because no one could sleep with Socks making all of that noise.  
“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.” Peter stroked his cat and got out of bed. He was going on a science trip today so he needed to get into school early.  
Peter stripped of his Ironman onesie and immediately slipped on his binder. It didn’t flatten as well as it used to, it was old and second hand in the first place. Finn kept throwing out the ones he had bought, he got his current one from a LGBT account on Instagram. He relied on things like that. Without them he wouldn’t be able to access the resources he needed. If May new what Finn was doing she’s be infuriated but Peter could never muster up the nerve to tell her. He patted down his chest and scrunched up his face. He didn’t look flat at all, he flared his nose as he realised he was beginning to cry. “Fuck off. Not now.” He wiped his eyes and opened his wardrobe. “I can’t deal with this today, seriously.”  
He looked through the clothes on the rack throwing the half decent things on his bed. There were no t-shirts, he never wore them. The only time Peter would put on a short sleeve is when he could layer up. Hoodies were his safe zone, big and baggy but not too big to look ‘cute’ and oversized. Peter hated that, the last thing he wanted was to be called soft and cute. He dug through the pile of clothes on his bed and yanked out a greenish button up shirt and a blue crew neck sweater. Nothing special but nothing screaming “hello, I’m young and highly unsophisticated”. Peter wanted to make a good impression, even if it was a one day trip, it was at the Stark Tower after all. Peter wasn’t exactly sure why but apparently Tony Stark wanted to do a science thing to appeal to parents and schools...  
Peter sat down at the kitchen table and ate his cereal. Before he left he wrote a note for Aunt May simply reminding her that this was the day he was going on his trip so he was heading out early. He signed the note with a bunch of xo’s and smiled. He grabbed his bag and walked out the front door.  
Peters phone rang as he was he was searching for his keys to lock the door behind him. He managed to grab his phone and answered the call just in time.  
“Hey Peter, my dads driving me to school and we’re passing by your house now if you want a ride.” Peter sighed with relief, he was far too tired, even if it was only a ten to fifteen minute walk.  
“Pete, you still there bud?”  
“Oh, yes. Oh my, thank you so much. You guys are far too kind for your own good.” Peter laughed and waited on the pavement.  
“Alright, no problem. Turning the corner now so see ya.” Ned hung up and Peter detached his earphones putting them back in his pocket.  
Ned’s car turned the corner and slowed down. Peter opened the back door and hopped in. Ned’s father gave Peter a smile and asked if he had his seatbelt on. Safety first. Once everyone confirmed he drove to the school.

—

“Okay everyone get into pairs. If you want to do a three you can but please, just try and do pairs.” Mr Harrington got quieter at the sentence progressed, nearly everyone was in a group of three but there was one group of four and one of two. Ned and Peter where quite obviously the two and the four was a bunch of preppy girls with a not so preppy looking chick.  
“Hello? Michelle? Could you do me a favour and join the two over there, three was the maximum. I’m sorry.” Mr Harrington didn’t even look sorry, he just wanted easy groups to work with. Michelle walked over towards Peter and Ned and introduced herself.  
“What’s up nerds. Name’s Michelle as you know but my friends call me Mj.” She rolled down her sleeves and smirked. She was taller than both the boys which made Peter a tad dysphoric but he was getting used to being 5’6, even though he hated it.  
“Well I- I’m Peter nice to meet you.” Peter held out his hand and Mj shook it. His heart raced, what if she found out about his actual name? Ned looked completely taken back by Peters confidence but he went with it.  
“And I’m Ned. He’s the smarter one so please don’t ask me any smart person questions.” Mj slipped a smile and shook Ned’s hand. The three followed the crowd to the bus and sat together as a group.  
During the journey Peter contemplated whether or not he should tell Mj the truth about his name. He subtly texted Ned asking his opinion but his reply was no help at all. Neither of the boys knew Mj and didn’t know how she would react so Peter decided to give her a chance and tell her.  
“Hey Mj, this is probably weird and you could end up really hating me for this but it’s unfair of you not to know.” Peter blubbered out the words and Ned kindly told her what he actually said.  
“Dude, do you think I’m stuck up or whatever? Unless you support Trump or something you’re fine.” She smirked and patted Peter on the shoulder.  
“Oh, I’m sorry for assuming that was wrong of me but anyways I’m trans... I really hope you know what that means because it’s kind of really hard to explain.”  
“Female to male or male to female? It’s kinda hard to tell. If you’re mtf you might not be comfortable wearing feminine clothes in public yet and if you’re ftm you look hella’ cis so you’re totally winning.” Mj laughed and smiled at Peter. She was great.  
“Uh, female to male. You’re educated aren’t you?” Peter laughed with Mj and Ned was just stunned by how much she knew.  
“I know it’s definitely not the same but I’m bisexual so I try to educate myself about the rest of the community.” Mj looked at both boys and gave a toothy grin. Peter was so glad Mj was very open about herself. It gave him the other little confidence boost he needed to be a bit more comfortable talking about his situation.  
“That’s awesome! .” Ned said as the bus slowed to a stop. They were at the Stark tower. Holy crap. All of the kids suddenly got really excited and rushed off of the bus.

—

“Hello everyone and welcome to the Stark tower science fair!” A lady, most likely in her mid thirties, introduced herself to the schoolchildren. “Unfortunately Mr. Stark won’t be joining us for the entirety of the event but he may make an appearance when you’re having your lunch break.” She smiled at the kids and asked everyone to follow her.  
“Dude this is so cool, we could meet Tony Stark! Tony freaking Stark! Tony Iron Man aka Coolest Man ever Stark!” Ned was freaking out a little, well, a lot actually. He was obsessed with the Avengers and although Captain America was his favourite it was still pretty awesome for him to have the chance to meet one of America’s coolest people ever.  
“I know right! Tony is my favourite. He doesn’t have any special power, he made himself and that’s pretty awesome.” Peter looked up to Tony a lot. Tony was only a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist (that’s already a crap load) but now he was also a hero. In Peters eyes Tony could do nothing wrong.  
“My favourites Banner. He just seems so sweet when he’s not angry, have you seen him on the news- he’s so cute!” Mj began to blush, “And his laugh! Have you heard his goddamn laugh? Don’t get me started, oh my god.” Little did Mj know that Bruce was helping out with the fair and he was only a few feet behind them chatting to Mr. Harrington. And that’s when they heard the laugh. Mj froze. Peter and Ned slowly turned around and saw Bruce fucking Banner talking to their teacher. Peter tugged on Mj’s sleeve and they turned around.  
“Holy shit.” Ned whispered under his breath. “Holy shit it’s Bruce Banner.” He may have accidentally said that one out loud. Bruce turned around and smiled at the kids and waved.  
“Hi, you guys enjoying today so far? I don’t know why Tony is holding this event but I think it’s pretty awesome.” Banner pretty much ditched Mr. Harrington to talk to the kids and that made Ned snicker.  
“Uh yeah. It’s pretty cool. Science is cool. You’re cool.” Mj squeaked, this was a side the boys would never expected her to have.  
“Awh man, that’s so sweet of you!” Bruce grinned and turned towards Peter, “And look at you two looking all awesome!” Bruce ruffled Peters hair and gave Ned a fist bump. Bruce just smiled and asked them a few random questions about science before saying his goodbyes and heading off to another group of kids.  
“Holy fucking shit man. That was Bruce Banner right there. He was this close!” Mj held her hands about a meter wide. “Holy crap I’m not too sure I can handle this.”  
“M, calm down. He can probably hear you!” Ned tried to whisper, it was more like a whisper scream. Mj snapped out of it and began to settle down.  
“He seemed he awkward and nervous too. That’s something I can relate to.” Peter chuckled and scratched the back of his head.  
The three continued the tour and followed the lady into the next room. It was called the ‘Spider Room’. They all rightfully assumed it was a room filled with different types of spiders and they were absolutely correct.  
“Nu-uh dude. No thanks. Spiders are not my thing.” Ned patted Peters back and went to turn away heading straight for the exit when Peter grabbed his shoulder and spun him around.  
“Um, no way man. I hate them too but I’m not missing a possible appearance of Mr. Stark.” Peter raised his eyebrows at Ned. Peter knew Ned wouldn’t be able to deny the fact that he loved Tony just as much. Ned groaned and swivelled around on his heels.  
“Alright you dicks, lets go see some eight legged bastards.” The three shivered at the thought of spiders as they followed the rest of the class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn’t get to the spider bite scene yet, I’ve been lacking motivation recently and I don’t know how to convert my ideas to words. That being said I am trying to make the chapters longer so I hope that’s an improvement. I promise Peter will turn into spidey guy soon. I just want to take it slow and make sure everything is done right.  
> ** If you think the character portrayal isn’t that good please, please, please tell me how I can fix it. I don’t think Peter seems like Peter and it’s bugging me :/


End file.
